


words i want to say to you

by storyop



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: (it's his competitive side don't blame him), M/M, a lot of unnecessary angst, because ksoo is stupid & chanyeol is more stupid, this is exo next door inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 12:27:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13271457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyop/pseuds/storyop
Summary: kyungsoo feels like he’s drowning in the knowledge that he’s in love with a man who’ll eventually go home to someone else.





	words i want to say to you

**Author's Note:**

> the obligatory 'exo next door' inspired chansoo fic (that i'm surprised hasn't been done yet) (maybe it has and i just haven't found it)
> 
> here is a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/anwdey/playlist/1tGKqIcJ2whB8z3j1vDeL3) (the title of which is from 'what if' by exo)
> 
> for jonghyun, always.

  
  
  
  


kyungsoo is running on borrowed time. 

under the watchful eyes of hundreds, thousands, of fans, he does what he’s expected to, entertains chanyeol’s constant lighthearted jabs, the taps to his shoulder, the hearts they’re supposed to make together. (it almost makes him laugh.) but backstage, he can list a thousand excuses for why he doesn’t want to be around chanyeol — i’m tired, i have to rehearse,  _ chanyeol will you please just leave me alone tonight?  _

but if chanyeol is the sun, then kyungsoo is the earth, drawn to him in an orbit he can’t leave. and chanyeol is always so persistent, so  _ loud _ with his love, even if it’s not the kind kyungsoo’s looking for. so despite his best efforts, he finds himself rehearsing with chanyeol, when the sun hasn’t yet risen and the exhaustion is sitting deep and heavy in their bones. chanyeol still seeks him out when he gets restless and his guitar is the only escape for his energy and says to him, “hey kyungsoo, do you want to sing with matilda and i?” 

sometimes kyungsoo lays awake at night and remembers the day when the four of them had first stepped foot in chanyeol’s grandfather’s house. before yeonhee, before it had hit him, so painfully obvious, that chanyeol didn’t think of him as more than a friend, that he had never done so, that he didn’t stand a chance against the pretty girl with the blushing cheeks and the history.

_ he’s my best friend too _ , he’d wanted to scream.  _ he’s the one who walked me home that day. he’s the one who trained with me, who stuck by me back when i couldn’t string two words into a sentence in front of the other members without looking like an idiot. back when everyone was  _ scared _ of me — _

he’d wanted chanyeol to find whatever he was looking for in that house. not for him to find yeonhee.

 

 

“you said you were looking for something,” kyungsoo says, hauling one of the boxes into his arms and taking a slow step behind chanyeol. they head up the stairs to the house, just the two of them; baekhyun and sehun are, of course, still asleep and completely unhelpful. “what is it?” 

chanyeol hasn’t smiled properly since the news of junmyeon’s leg had been broken to them, but the corner of his mouth tilts up just the slightest when he looks at kyungsoo, a glimpse into his old cheerful demeanor. “something that will make everything right again. i promise.” 

“what — you don’t think all of this is your fault, do you?” kyungsoo has been friends with chanyeol long enough to know when he’s not telling him something, and he’s been in love with him long enough to know the rest. “chanyeol, that’s ridiculous.”

chanyeol merely brushes past him, headed for another box. “just help me get the rest of these in, will you?” he throws over his shoulder. “and let’s wake baekhyun and sehun up too. those lazy bastards.” 

it used to be that the two of them would stay up all night talking, back at the dorms, straight through jongin’s soft snores. and when they were on tour, chanyeol would call him sometimes on the hotel phones, if only to hear him grumble about how he was tired after performing and needed his beauty sleep. they’d slept in two different rooms in two different beds last night, and kyungsoo had been awake half the night wondering about he was finally going to confess to chanyeol about the true depth of his feelings. 

but it isn’t meant to be, apparently, because in the dining room is a girl. drinking straight from chanyeol’s bottle — and suddenly chanyeol is striding forward, kyungsoo a shadow behind him, and getting  _ spit on _ . a spray of water, right in the face, and kyungsoo turns his head away from the girl, wiping the water off chanyeol’s face with his sleeve to the soundtrack of baekhyun and sehun’s laughs. when he looks back, her face is incredibly red, and there’s such a look of abject despair on her face that he almost feels bad. 

she flees almost immediately, and later when they’re all eating the rice cakes she’d brought and chuckling about the look on both their faces, kyungsoo studies the creases in chanyeol’s face and wonders what else he’s not telling him. chanyeol grabs a handful of the rice cakes and escapes to his room. 

kyungsoo watches him go.

 

 

they stop in newark, on the north american leg of their tour, and chanyeol and kyungsoo have connecting hotel rooms. he wakes up two hours past midnight, blinking blearily at the clock before rolling over to find chanyeol sitting on his bed and staring at him. 

“what the fuck?” he mutters intelligently, and chanyeol grins down at him, slipping under the covers and shaking his hair out on kyungsoo’s pillowcase. kyungsoo shoves at his shoulder half-heartedly, then lifts his head so he can slide one of the other pillows under. 

“let me tell you about the dream i had,” chanyeol says, and his face is so close to kyungsoo’s. close enough that he can make out the faint freckles dotted on his face, the way his lips are slightly chapped, the curve of his eyelashes when they rest on his cheek as he blinks. 

“you woke me up at —” he squints, the red numbers floating, blurred, in his eyesight, “at 2:37 am to tell me about a dream you had?” 

“i mean,” chanyeol says, shrugging a little, “it involved a tower. and a frying pan. and a very dashing prince.” 

“you had a dream about tangled?” 

chanyeol’s dimple appears in full force, and at the back of his mind, kyungsoo thinks,  _ k.o _ . “ah, well, you know,” chanyeol says, shrugging. “that flynn rider, he’s a really dashing guy.” 

he has a habit, of falling in love with male animated characters, and kyungsoo had wondered if it had meant anything. he knows better, now — chanyeol is straight, and he’s in love, regardless. with yeonhee. 

kyungsoo forces himself to smile. “chanyeollie. what are you really here for?” 

“i’m nervous, soo,” chanyeol admits. “for tomorrow.” he glances at the clock, then smiles hesitantly at kyungsoo. “well, later today.”

kyungsoo rubs his hand down chanyeol’s arm, fingers shaking. “why?” he wonders what will happen if he musters up the courage to lean forward just the tiniest bit and press his lips to chanyeol’s, to kiss him like he’s wanted for so long. “chanyeol, we’ve done this a hundred times. you’ll be fine. more than fine, amazing.” 

chanyeol licks his bottom lip, staring at kyungsoo, and he looks away, turns his head and closes his eyes and tries not to think of chanyeol’s tongue in his mouth. 

“kyungsoo-ah,” comes chanyeol’s soft voice, and if kyungsoo closes his eyes maybe he can pretend like his feelings aren’t one-sided. “kyungsoo-ah. can you sing me to sleep?” 

letting out a sigh, kyungsoo rolls over again to pull chanyeol’s head flush against his neck, running his hand through his soft hair, the locks sliding through his fingers, and begins to sing. chanyeol’s breath smells like kyungsoo’s toothpaste, which he’d started using three years ago, insisting it was a thousand times better than his. he keeps stealing kyungsoo’s tubes instead of buying them for himself, and kyungsoo doesn’t really understand it.

he wakes up to an empty bed, chanyeol having slipped back into his room sometime during the night, and then they’re off to the final check-ups before the concert and kyungsoo doesn’t have time to think about it anymore — 

(chanyeol slides a plastic ring onto his finger on stage and kyungsoo almost throws it back in his face.)

 

 

kyungsoo finds himself spending most of his time with baekhyun, of all people. sehun’s not even in the house, spending increasing amounts of the days with yeonhee’s brother, which he tries not to read too much into even though sehun had told him that his new friend had taken him into his tent, which, okay. (maybe it’s an euphemism.) (he doesn’t even know the kid’s name.) 

and chanyeol — chanyeol is always with yeonhee, bossing the poor girl around, and it’s not even hard for kyungsoo to widen the distance between them. 

because he is an annoying little shit, baekhyun ropes yeonhee into rehearsing one of kyungsoo’s scenes with him, ignoring kyungsoo’s surprised glare as he flops back down onto the bed. kyungsoo’s bed. “go ahead! you’re doing him a favor, promise.” he inspects his nails, doing his best to avoid kyungsoo’s eyes. “i’m not the greatest actor.” 

this is a lie, especially when it comes to charming the rest of exo, especially junmyeon hyung, into escaping punishment free from whatever shenanigans he’s engaged in. but kyungsoo has the brilliant (in retrospect, not so brilliant) idea to seize this opportunity to — to make chanyeol jealous. of him? 

it’s a fucked up line of thinking, and yeah, it really doesn’t make any sense at all, but at that moment, kyungsoo thinks it will somehow open chanyeol’s eyes to what he thought was glaringly obvious. clearing his throat, he gives yeonhee a small smile and says gently, “it’s okay if you don’t want to.”  _ please don’t, _ he thinks.  _ i look at you and i see everything i could’ve done with chanyeol and was too scared to do, and it’s my fault that things between us are so messed up _ . maybe it’s egotistical, but he swears the universe is out to get him.

predictably, yeonhee’s cheeks heat up as she stumbles awkwardly through her lines. she’s terrible, to put it frankly, but it’s almost endearing and kyungsoo slips into character and just says what he’s supposed to, to the best of his ability. 

at least until she flees, seemingly a theme for her. he shrugs, settling back in his seat as baekhyun murmurs, “well, that was weird.” 

“she’s very, uh… pure,” kyungsoo offers, but he’s not even thinking about her right now. he’s thinking about how chanyeol’s ears heat up when he’s embarrassed, flushing a slight red, how he laughs even louder and bigger to make up for it. 

baekhyun is staring at him. “you’re really dense, you know that?”

“that’s rich coming from you,” kyungsoo scoffs, smacking baekhyun on the head with his script.

 

 

chanyeol crawls into his bed again in inglewood, switching lazily through the tv channels as kyungsoo half-heartedly tries to read. it’s obvious chanyeol has just showered; his hair sticks, dark, to the skin of his neck and maybe kyungsoo’s been looking at him for too long. 

chanyeol turns his head, quick, and smiles just as quick, laying his damp head onto kyungsoo’s shoulder. “hey, soo. tour’s almost over.” 

letting out a soft sigh, kyungsoo shuts his book. despite himself, his hand goes up to card through chanyeol’s hair. it’s kind of a routine for them, and chanyeol clearly likes the way kyungsoo’s nails scrape across his scalp, judging from his content hums. “we’re back home soon,” he agrees. thinks,  _ you’re back to yeonhee soon _ . 

“i’ll miss this,” chanyeol says softly. “i mean, it’s not ideal — the hotel rooms and being away from home for so long and the constant flights and the just as constant jet lag, but…” he yawns, and kyungsoo fights the urge to drop a soft kiss to his forehead. “being on stage is such a fucking rush, you know?” he scoots closer to kyungsoo, eyes closed, looking completely blissed out. “all those fans, the music, all of it. fucking amazing.” 

“i know,” kyungsoo says simply, and he does. he’s had plenty of reservations about idol life, but performing? he’s grown into it, spread his metaphorical wings, and to see the fans’ faces makes every one of their hard days worth it. 

“i missed you.” chanyeol’s voice is impossibly soft, and kyungsoo’s hand freezes, heart stuttering. “in incheon, i… well, things were messed up. but i-i don’t know, it kind of felt like you were pulling away from me, and maybe it was because i was kind of an asshole, which i was, but i was so… so  _ angry _ , and guilty, and…” 

it takes a while for kyungsoo to find his voice. “don’t worry about it.” he wants to say a thousand other things, but he definitely does not want the metaphorical dam to break in this hotel room. 

“did i do something really wrong, soo?” chanyeol asks, and it takes all of kyungsoo’s willpower not to say,  _ no, you did everything right, and that’s what’s wrong _ . chanyeol is always so good to him. too good to him; it makes him want to believe in love.

so all he says is, “go to sleep, chanyeol.” 

obediently, chanyeol shuts his eyes, and kyungsoo reaches over to turn the volume on the tv down. it had ended up on some inane soap opera, and on screen the blonde lady that looks a little bit like a cross between gwen stefani and lady gaga is crying over unrequited love. the  _ irony _ .  

“soo?” chanyeol murmurs. kyungsoo jumps a little, thumb pressing the power button, and then it’s just the sound of the two of them breathing. “how ‘bout i sing you to sleep tonight, okay?” 

it’s odd, the way he can’t say no to him. kyungsoo nods silently, and chanyeol draws the sheets up closer around the two of them, tangling their legs together in a way that’s so  _ familiar _ to kyungsoo. maybe it’s the puppy dog eyes, kyungsoo muses. maybe it’s because he’s terribly in love with him. 

 

 

their leader has always been one for overdramatic displays of dedication to exo, and sure enough, junmyeon goes missing from the hospital, probably miles deep in guilt. kyungsoo gets to put the scene of chanyeol asking (or more, demanding) yeonhee to go on a date with him to the back of his head as they run around looking for places junmyeon could possibly be. 

it isn’t until chanyeol and kyungsoo are returning from the dance studio they’d found junmyeon at (of course) that kyungsoo remembers, all of it crashing down on him in a sickening weight. he presses his lips together, staring out the window and feeling sick to his stomach.

and — 

and there she is. yeonhee, sitting in the little neighborhood playground, teeth visibly chattering. he tenses, sneaking a glance at chanyeol, who’s fast asleep in the seat beside him, his soft snores filling the empty space between them. 

the decision is made in a split second. he leans forward, says to their driver, “stop the car.” 

 

 

the entirety of exo-k is roped into going back to incheon with chanyeol. kyungsoo tries to beg off, but there’s the irritating problem of him being unable to say no to chanyeol’s pleading. out of all of them, him and sehun are the most excited — sehun hasn’t stopped talking about coffee and yeonhee’s brother, which, okay. maybe that’s another metaphor. 

they find yeonhee once again helping herself to their rice cakes, and kyungsoo thinks that if he could go back to when they’d first met her he’d do everything differently. he’d follow chanyeol up to his room, sit him down, tell him he loves him. 

he can’t even blame yeonhee. not for being in love with chanyeol. 

_ if falling in love with you was so easy _ , kyungsoo convinces himself as he watches chanyeol’s beaming figure from the corner of his eye,  _ then falling out of it should be just as easy, right? and maybe someday, the person i love will love me back.  _

kyungsoo quietly makes them all coffee. jongin is perpetually amused through all of his interactions with yeonhee. kyungsoo has a feeling that out of all of them, it’s jongin and baekhyun that know the most about what’s going on. 

(he’d almost walked in on baekhyun and chanyeol talking once, chanyeol asking, “do you think soo likes incheon girl too?” 

baekhyun had gaped at him; the look on his face would have been entertaining in any other circumstance. “likes incheon girl? man, and i thought kyungsoo was dense.” kyungsoo had begun to back away at that point. “you know, if we dropped you in the ocean, you’d sink like a damn stone.”) 

chanyeol’s earlier cheeriness has faded for whatever reason; he looks mostly confused, and when kyungsoo hands him a mug of coffee, he stares up at him like kyungsoo’s face is supposed to hold all the secrets of life. 

“what?” kyungsoo whispers, but chanyeol just shakes his head, sipping his drink. 

 

 

“what are you doing? it’s really cold,” kyungsoo says, ignoring the way yeonhee’s face falls slightly when she looks up to see him instead of chanyeol. “you should go home.” 

“i can’t, i’m waiting for chan,” she mumbles, words a little slurred. she rubs her mouth with the back of her hand. “sorry. my lips are a little frozen.” 

_ stupid girl _ , kyungsoo thinks sympathetically, because he, too, would probably wait in the cold for hours just for chanyeol. but here’s his chance. to… to ruin things between the two of them, because he’s here, and chanyeol isn’t.

he feels sick to his stomach as soon as he thinks of it. yeonhee makes chanyeol  _ happy _ , and that’s all he should want, right? he’s tired of being the good guy, but. is crashing their relationship really going to make him feel better in the long run? 

kyungsoo pinches the bridge of his nose. “we… we had something to deal with. chanyeol’s… well, he kind of fell asleep. it’s been a really long two days.” awkwardly, he stuffs his hands into his pockets. “i-i’ll tell him you’re here.” 

it’s definitely him giving up, at that moment, when he decides to turn on his heel and make his way back to chanyeol’s house, to walk up the stairs to his room and throw his door open. chanyeol takes one look at his face and remembers, grabbing his coat and running past him before he can even open his mouth to say something. 

it’s definitely him giving up.

 

 

kyungsoo is washing the dishes when chanyeol comes up silently beside him to help dry. the two of them work together in tandem, and it’s easy for kyungsoo to pretend everything’s okay. the entirety of the six months away hadn’t been enough for him to get rid of his feelings for chanyeol, not when chanyeol was constantly in his space with his big, dumb grin and his pretty eyes. 

“you’re avoiding me again,” chanyeol says quietly, taking a dish from kyungsoo’s hands. 

“it’s not…” kyungsoo shrugs, the sink empty. “i’ve just been busy, is all.” it comes easily, now. "rehearsing. memorizing lines. all of that."

“you’re lying to me,” chanyeol replies, and kyungsoo almost laughs. 

“chanyeol, just. go bother yeonhee instead, okay?” he snaps, pushing past chanyeol to leave the kitchen. 

“hey, wait.” and suddenly chanyeol is crowding him against the wall, thick fingers wrapped around his wrist, and kyungsoo has to tilt his head back, back, back to look him in the eyes. “can i ask you something? promise to answer honestly.”

kyungsoo’s throat is dry. “just ask me.” 

“all those times,” chanyeol says slowly, “i was spending time with yeonhee, and you barely looked at me — tell me  _ honestly _ , soo. were you —  _are_ you — in love with her? or me?” 

“what are you saying?” kyungsoo whispers. he’s shaking a little, and chanyeol puts his other hand on his waist, steadying him against his body.

“i’m saying,” chanyeol says, letting go of his wrist and running his thumb over the skin under kyungsoo’s eye. “i’m saying that every time i saw the two of you together and i got those ugly feelings in my stomach i thought it was because i was jealous of you — but i had the wrong person. i’m saying that i was away from her for six months and every minute i could’ve spent missing her i spent thinking about you. i’m saying” — and his voice is so low kyungsoo has to strain to hear it — “that i love you too.” 

kyungsoo does not know what to do. “b-but what about yeonhee —”

“i’m not in the habit of leading a woman on,” chanyeol says, smiling lightly. “i walked into this house, took one look at her, and realized i hadn’t missed her as much as i should’ve, and i told her that whatever we had, it wasn't love. but i think she already knew. i don’t… i'm not sure why i thought i was in love with her; maybe it was because she was my first love back when we were six and we promised each other we’d get married and i thought…” for the first time, he falters, swallowing. “that maybe it would be expected of me?” he presses his thumb against the corner of kyungsoo’s mouth. “soo. did i get all of this wrong?” 

kyungsoo has been running away from telling chanyeol the truth this entire time. but not now. “you know i always pretend to get mad at you for following me around everywhere,” kyungsoo says shakily, “but i can’t tell you how much i dislike it when your attention is on someone other than me.” kyungsoo grabs at chanyeol’s sweater, soft and pink and far too big on him. as big as he is, he’s always purposefully drowning in his clothes. “i wanted to tell you. so many times. but you were so upset after what happened to junmyeon hyung.” he leans his forehead into chanyeol’s chest, sighing. “maybe i’m just a coward.” 

wrapping his arms around kyungsoo, chanyeol cradles him into his chest, chuckling softly. “and maybe i’m just incredibly oblivious.” at that, kyungsoo has to laugh, because, yeah. yeah he is. “that necklace? the one i ended up giving back to yeonhee? i’d broken the one my grandfather gave me, for good luck, and right after everything started going bad. i thought it was my fault, for being so careless, and i knew he had the other one, so i wanted to come back here for it. thought if i found it, we’d have good luck again.” 

“so why’d you give it back?”

“i don’t need it,” chanyeol says simply, smiling down at kyungsoo. “i have the fans. i have exo.” he bites his lip. “i have you.” 

“park chanyeol,” kyungsoo breathes, “you are so cheesy.” 

he grabs a fistful of chanyeol’s sweater and yanks him down for a kiss, and his lips are so, so warm, and softer than he could’ve ever imagined. he tastes like mint. 

“you’ve been stealing my toothpaste again,” kyungsoo says between kisses, and chanyeol laughs — kyungsoo  _ feels _ it, the low rumble of it though his whole body, and shudders a little, mouth opening into a low moan. chanyeol takes that opportunity to slip his tongue in his mouth, and kyungsoo realizes that there’s absolutely no going back for him. 

he already feels too dizzy to function, but then chanyeol’s hands are under his thighs and he’s  _ lifting _ him, onto the counter, and his hands are everywhere — kyungsoo’s cheeks, his neck, slipping under his shirt to press hot, gentle fingers into his back. 

“if you two have sex on the kitchen counter i’m kicking you both out,” baekhyun threatens from behind chanyeol, and they pull apart, gasping a little.

“you can’t kick me out of my own house,” chanyeol answers without even looking at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly as he rests his forehead against kyungsoo’s.

“try me,” baekhyun says, and when kyungsoo catches a glimpse of his scandalized face, he has to let out a soft snicker. “i’m happy for you two, though; i think we all got a little tired of you dancing around each other and being real fucking dumb —”

“baekhyun,” kyungsoo says, kissing chanyeol once, twice, three times. “leave.” 

**Author's Note:**

> title is from 'beautiful' by baekhyun (one of the best parts of the show, really) 
> 
> if you haven't seen exo next door, please do; it's absolutely terrible and therefore comedy gold and even if the love triangle between chansoo and incheon gal is boring and unrealistic every interaction between sehun and incheon gal's brother is Dripping With Gay and makes the entire show worth it 
> 
> any feedback & love is as always much appreciated.


End file.
